The Perfect Internet

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

What are YOU doing here?

So the perfect internet, as I imagine it, when in the still watches of the night I hear, or think I hear, the Rats of Death scrabbling underneath my bed and swapping sections of yesterdays New York Times...


ONE: Anytime you are interacting with someone online there should be a link you can click that will tell you all about this person: everything stupid or thoughtless, or wise they have ever written online, links to their websites, a dorky picture of them in high school, the number of sexual partners they have betrayed or abandoned in empty railroad yards at midnight, etc. This will VIRTUALLY ELIMINATE the endless posturing and ego-puffing we wade through, which is just kind of sad anyway.

TWO: Web space would be FREE! and doled out by a quasi-governmental agency which the real government would BE FORBIDDEN to interfere with for ever and ever, much in the way it's forbidden to interfere with ENRON. Bandwidth is cheap. Let's get it together, people.

THREE: When someone says something really stupid or evil or hurtful online, asshole-detecting robots index it and rank it, and put a link to it on a website similar to so everyone can ridicule them and shake their virtual fingers at them, and swamp their message boards with comments indicating, in one way or the other, what a lot of growing up they have to do, and how they shouldn't be allowed to have sex with anyone for a long time, on account of how they don't seem to really understand anything important about LOVE.

FOUR: Lonely or misunderstood people who get online late at night, and have no friends, should get invitations from sympathy-robots directing them to message boards where they will fussed over and generally made to feel better about things, if that is humanely possible.

FIVE: Everyone should be made to feel important, somehow, someway, at least once, even if they haven't done or said or created anything worth mentioning, just because it's a good thing to do.

There's probably a lot more, but I'm multi-tasking right now and my neurons are rather scattered.


Blogger Ancient Clown said...

I like your site.
I invite you and your perspective to view Ancient's History. This is MY Mythology...just because I say it doesn't mean it's true and just because you don't believe it doesn't mean it's not.
your humble servant,
Ancient Clown

3:32 PM  

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